


Like hell, but I am fine

by FiKate



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Backstory, Canon-Typical Violence, Established Relationship, Explosions, F/M, Trauma, cassian's mother - Freeform, dead mothers of star wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-15 23:19:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15423858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiKate/pseuds/FiKate
Summary: On two missions, buildings collapsing remind Cassian of pain from his past. Written forCassian appreciation weekand the prompt collateral damage. Elements of this fic first appeared as part of around robin fic.Thank you to Imsfire for betaing for me. Title comes from Jakob Dylan'sWar is Kind.





	Like hell, but I am fine

All Cassian could smell was dirt, broken duracrete and the dust of destruction. A piece of red cloth shifted in the wind where it was pinned and he hiccuped as he felt tears in his eyes. It was just the dust, he had to move, keep moving, find Jyn, the rest of the team and get to safety. Slowly he stood up, testing every joint, his back protested but nothing was broken. He went to where the door had been to start looking through the rubble when suddenly Kay was beside him. “You are safe. Jyn was worried.”

“I’m safe, where is she?”

Kay stood at his back, he was a reassuring presence as Cassian didn’t like being alone near buildings like this. Jyn was pacing in an alleyway, the grey of the dust changing the color of her blue scarf as she stared at him.“You’re alive.”

“I’m alive. What went wrong?”

Before she could answer, there was the stomp of a patrol and they all ran down the alley then through a maze of streets to the ship.

Only when they were aboard the U-wing and safely in hyperspace was there time. Though all the way back, the image of that red cloth was at the edge of his thoughts. 

“Cassian, you are being affected by stress. Go rest with Jyn,” Kay said in his patient voice as Cassian stretched his hand then nodded. Jyn watched him come and sit beside her with her eyes full of concern, taking his hand into her gloved hands.

“I’m fine.” It was a lie, one that always came to his lips at the end of bad missions, he tried not to lie with her.

“No, you’re not. It worked, little earlier than we meant but it did.” She was certain and he felt that as she held his hand.

“Where did that red cloth come from?”

“Red? I don’t know. Why?” Maybe she hadn’t seen it, the cloth had only been there for a moment.

“Not a color you usually see around factories.” More around homes, his mother had liked wearing red.

“Maybe the wind blew it or it fell from another building. We were careful.”

“We cut it close,” He had never liked this kind of job, too messy, too easy to make mistakes and the wrong people to get hurt. 

Jyn was warm and he leaned down, she shifted so he could lay in her lap. It would take them almost eight hours to get to the rendezvous. He could rest.

********

Blood dripped down his neck, she could see where the duracrete had scraped his side when they’d both tried to cover the other. She wasn’t sorry, complete destruction might not have been the plan but they had the intel and had escaped. No one else would ever be shocked by a collar from that factory again. His eyes didn’t waver from hers as he said, “It was cut too close. A new shift was coming in.”

Cassian sat down as Bodhi glanced back at them from the cockpit and Jyn met his eyes as he turned back to hyperspace, “Everyone got out.”

“This time,” The anger had left his voice as he found the bacta patches and said so only she could hear it, “Buildings don’t care who they kill.” 

Jyn didn’t say anything as she took care of her own wounds and he did the same. Once he’d spoken, he’d pulled back, not meeting her eyes. Did he think he’d shown too much? It was nice to be worried about but this wasn’t just about her. And she was going to stand by her decision. He was trying to reach a scrape on the back of his neck when Jyn stood up. “Let me do it.”

Cassian finally turned to look at her, his eyes tired as he handed her a bandage while she moved to get in position. Blood was stuck to his hair and she wiped it away, cleaning his torn skin. She gently touched his shoulders that felt as if the building had collapsed onto them. He turned to look at her and she remembered another mission when a red cloth bothered him. Jyn moved a piece of hair out of his eyes, it was always falling down and he shifted enough that she was holding him. He said in just above a whisper, “My mother died in a bombing. I don’t want to find you like that.” 

She swallowed and hugged him, resting her head on his shoulder. She couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t. 

Cassian kept speaking as if the words had been waiting and now was the time. At first his voice was steady but as he went on, she heard almost tears in his voice, “They hadn’t been bombing Fest for long, the war was still new. Papa had gotten me from school and our building was a pile. I could see Mama’s red skirt and her face, she must have been near the window. We could never have saved her.”

Jyn held him tighter and said, “I’m sorry.”

“Whenever I try to think of her face, I remember her there,” Frustration laced his voice and she understood. Her memories of her mother were scattered but she could never forget the man in white shooting her.

She kissed his neck and said, “I know.”

“But we’re alive,” He said it to convince himself, she knew that tone as if he was giving himself orders.

“Yes, we’re alive,” She would give him her certainty. They lived and they fought and their mothers would be proud of them.


End file.
